There is no such thing as a free account

"I want a free account".

Over the last 30 years I've trained myself not to roll my eyes when I hear this from a customer.
Yeah, I know you want a free account. Everyone wants a free account. Even I want a free account. I mean how annoying is it to be charged to use your own money right?

Why do you put your money in a bank? Because walking around with cash in the amount of your paycheck is unsafe,  amazingly inconvenient, and just stupid.

Putting your money in a bank is super convenient. And with the magic of technology you don't even have to go to the bank to deposit money anymore. You can sit on your fat ass in front of your TV eating chips and binge watching 'This Is Us' while computers ensure your paycheck arrives on time in the correct account so you can go buy your Venti Mocha-chino with two extra shots on the way to your job tomorrow morning. You're welcome.

Guess what. Those computers sending funds around the world and making sure you have money to pay your rent and buy groceries are ran by people. PEOPLE. People who have to pay the rent, buy the groceries, send their kids through school, fill the car up with gas, and all the other minutia that comes with the American dream. These people need to get paid, just like you do.

You might think "Yeah, but how much can it cost for a bank to do that?" More than you think. There is quite a lot that goes into making sure your paycheck magically appears in your account on the right day. 

First, banks pay a fee to the payment processing vendor that allows your employer's bank to talk to your bank. Banks pay another fee to the company that manages their host system that houses your account. And the bank pays people to ensure that host stays up and running and stays configured correctly to ensure it posts accurately to your account. 

That's a very simplified version of the process. And that is not even taking into consideration those of you who've given your HR department the wrong information. Like you transposed digits in your account number or told them it's a checking account when it's really a savings. (Way to go genius). That deploys a whole set of sub-processes to get that mess straightened out. And those processes cost the bank additional expense. 

Besides, not having to carry your large piles of money around with you, having a bank account affords you many other conveniences like debit cards (which come with some pretty awesome consumer protections btw), monthly statements so you know what kind of crap you've been spending your money on, online banking so you don't have to lift a finger to keep track of your account, make transfers and pay bills. You lucky SOB. 

Yeah, that's just scratching the surface of the benefits of having a bank account. So pay the measly $7.50 a month you cheapskate!

"Yeah, well my bank offers a free account."

Good for you. Glad you are happy. The bank is making it up some other way. Maybe they charge for online banking. Maybe they have a bank-wide policy against waiving other fees....ever. Maybe they charge replacement fees for debit cards and don't reimburse for foreign ATM fees. The bottom line is that, just like any other business, banks have to make a profit to pay their employees and keep the doors open. 

When you go to a bank to look for an account. Don't say, "I want a free account." Tell the rep how you need to use your account. What features are your 'have-to-have' features and what balance you expect to be able to maintain? They will try to put you in the best fit. It may be a free account. Or, it might be an account with a fee but it has something else you need. Like free notary service (because you mentioned you're settling your grandfather's estate. So they know you're going to need legal docs signed and they know the charge for one notary signature is more than the monthly fee. So you're going to make money in the long run). Or you mentioned you travel for your job. So she hooks you up with an account that offers unlimited foreign ATM usage, saving you a handsome sum on the ATM charges when you're traveling. 

With a "Free" account, you'd have to pay out of pocket for things like that. And you could end up paying more than the average monthly service fee. Because, the secret is: there is really no such thing as a free account. 

Bank smart. - The Snarky Banker